Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Tuesday. What can you say about Tuesday? It ain't worth a damn.

I have this felony case where this guy is accused of having exposed himself to some sixteen year old girl. He was sitting in his car in their office parking lot when she walked by, and she said she looked in the window and he was masturbating. Our guy, for his part, says the sixteen year old must have been mistaken because he was actually listening to classic rock and eating a bean burrito from the Taco Bell. (possibly playing some air drums to the sounds of Blue Oyster Cult with his burrito in hand? you can see how this kind of mistake can easily occur when food items are substituted for musical equipment) Burrito guy even brought his Taco Bell wrapper in to my office as evidence. I labeled it "defense exhibit one" and stuck it in my filing cabinet.
At any rate, when I was telling this story last night to my brother, Ryan "Roundball" Steans, his initial concern, surprisingly enough, was the extent of privacy which he should be afforded in his car.
"What? He got in trouble for choking the chicken in his own car?!"
"Yeah, man. Can't spank the monkey in public."
"But, but- your car is your castle!"
"Well, your home is your castle. Your car is more like your tree fort. Maybe less so. You can probably get away with some naked stuff in your tree fort."
"And what is this girl doing going poking her nose into people's cars looking for masturbators, anyway?"
"I don't know, man. She says she wasn't trying to look."
"Yeah, right. Whatever."

I bring up this conversation as one of Steanso's public service announcements. In case you didn't know- your car is NOT your castle and there are few, if any, legal reasons for nakedness therein. The court is not going to place the blame on the sixteen year old who looked through your window for invading your privacy when they find out that you were polishing your rod in your car in the middle of a public parking lot. I thought that this was common knowledge, but after my conversation with Roundball, it became evident that I needed to clear a few things up.

If you are like Ryan and you don't like the state of this law (perhaps feeling a need for the occasional bit of automotive nakedness), I can only encourage you to write your congressman. And to seek help.


The League said...

I just want to point out that, upon reflection, I think this law probably does make sense. Although I am not sure it should be classified as a felony.

Nor am I condoning or participating in the described auto-erotic activity. I just think our patriarchal government needs to keep out of my cockpit.

Wait, that sounded wrong.

CrackBass said...

THis is a nice post. A solid B+/A-. it has an actual true story. some snappy dialogue, and a public service message. All it need sto be elevated to the next level (the A+ level) is more euphemisms for masturbation. Three is godd, but would six or seven be better?

Yes, i think so too

The League said...

Punching the clown is my personal favorite euphemism