Last night, following a tasty dinner at Maudie's, Mandy "The Pea" Wilson inquired as to what had caused the death of Ninjaboy, my goldfish, roommate, and ally. In truth, in order to understand Ninjaboy's death, you have to understand Ninjaboy's life.
Ninjaboy was not always the quiet, unassuming goldfish that many of you have come to know and love. Ninjaboy was purchased out of a Washington D.C. pet store in the late eighties and trained for almost a decade in the tradecraft of American espionage, sabotage, and assassination. In 1991, Ninjaboy enjoyed tremendous success on his first covert field mission- the assassination of Jesus Hernandez, a Columbian cartel leader and avid collector of goldfish and betas. Recently declassified documents indicate that Hernandez was found strangled in his office, locked tight behind heavy security in his mountain compound. His death was declared a great mystery at the time- the only evidence in the case consisting of a wire garrote found lying next to the bowl of one of his prize goldfish.
Ninjaboy's espionage work continued successfully and unabated (most of his work remains classified at this time) until he suffered a nervous breakdown in the summer of 1993. Countless enemy operatives breathed a sigh of relief at the news that their most feared nemesis had finally fallen. Haunted by the horrors of his murderous career, Ninjaboy could not continue his work, and the Company had him placed in protective custody so that he might peacefully convalesce until he was ready to serve his country again.
Sadly, Ninjaboy would never again return to the field. As he slept last weekend, a band of highly skilled operatives entered mi casa and killed Ninjaboy after an extensive hand to hand battle in my living room. I woke to the sight of samurai armor and swords scattered about my floor...