Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Last night, following a tasty dinner at Maudie's, Mandy "The Pea" Wilson inquired as to what had caused the death of Ninjaboy, my goldfish, roommate, and ally. In truth, in order to understand Ninjaboy's death, you have to understand Ninjaboy's life.
Ninjaboy was not always the quiet, unassuming goldfish that many of you have come to know and love. Ninjaboy was purchased out of a Washington D.C. pet store in the late eighties and trained for almost a decade in the tradecraft of American espionage, sabotage, and assassination. In 1991, Ninjaboy enjoyed tremendous success on his first covert field mission- the assassination of Jesus Hernandez, a Columbian cartel leader and avid collector of goldfish and betas. Recently declassified documents indicate that Hernandez was found strangled in his office, locked tight behind heavy security in his mountain compound. His death was declared a great mystery at the time- the only evidence in the case consisting of a wire garrote found lying next to the bowl of one of his prize goldfish.
Ninjaboy's espionage work continued successfully and unabated (most of his work remains classified at this time) until he suffered a nervous breakdown in the summer of 1993. Countless enemy operatives breathed a sigh of relief at the news that their most feared nemesis had finally fallen. Haunted by the horrors of his murderous career, Ninjaboy could not continue his work, and the Company had him placed in protective custody so that he might peacefully convalesce until he was ready to serve his country again.
Sadly, Ninjaboy would never again return to the field. As he slept last weekend, a band of highly skilled operatives entered mi casa and killed Ninjaboy after an extensive hand to hand battle in my living room. I woke to the sight of samurai armor and swords scattered about my floor...

3 comments:

The League said...

I find the various versions of Ninja Boy's life to be just another sign of how the government is screwing with our heads. My sources place Ninja Boy in Kuwait in 1991, Angola in 1994 and Myanmar as late as the Summer of 1996. I guess it all depends on if you subscribe to the "Magic Shellfish" theory.

Anonymous said...

Palka comments:

Interestingly in Dominican priest Olaus Wormius's Latin translation of The Necronominicon (based on the mad Arab Abdul Alhazred's original version) there is mentioned a "possessed fish, servant to the Old Ones, named Djinn- ab'-boy, whose ruthless humours and fearless nature make him feared by all in Chthulu's domaine..."

I would do some DNA confirmation....

Cheers- H.P. Lovecraft

CrackBass said...

ninjaboy is dead.....long live ninja boy! i am hoping against hope that ninja boy is out on a secret mission to kill ryan "beaumont suped-up man" steans and not actually dead. however, if is he is dead, i hope that cleveland steanso gave him a proper "wrath of montalban/search for spock" send off, and he will soon be back. RANDY NEWMAN IS GOD!