Dear Treasury Secretary Paulson and friends at the Federal Reserve,
I am writing to ask that you consider giving me a federal bailout of somewhere in the vicinity of $2 or $3 million dollars. It's been sort of a rough year, and I've had a tendency to drink until I black out, and then wake up with all of my money gone. My memories are a bit hazy, but I'm pretty sure that most of my missing funds have gone toward making small business loans to strippers and the occasional ventriloquist (I have promissory notes regarding settlement of these debts, but the whiskey, blood, and tears on the cocktail napkins have made the signatures somewhat illegible). I'm pretty sure that you can understand that each of these investments was soundly made, with an eye toward expanding America's economy and making our country a better place in which to live.
I think $2 or $3 million dollars is quite a bargain, especially when you consider the catastrophic economic collapse that this country would suffer if I didn't have money to spend on booze and lap dances. And let's face it- the American taxpayers pretty much owe me this money for making their lives so much richer with this blog.