Wednesday, September 17, 2008

An Open Letter to the Federal Reserve

Dear Treasury Secretary Paulson and friends at the Federal Reserve,

I am writing to ask that you consider giving me a federal bailout of somewhere in the vicinity of $2 or $3 million dollars. It's been sort of a rough year, and I've had a tendency to drink until I black out, and then wake up with all of my money gone. My memories are a bit hazy, but I'm pretty sure that most of my missing funds have gone toward making small business loans to strippers and the occasional ventriloquist (I have promissory notes regarding settlement of these debts, but the whiskey, blood, and tears on the cocktail napkins have made the signatures somewhat illegible). I'm pretty sure that you can understand that each of these investments was soundly made, with an eye toward expanding America's economy and making our country a better place in which to live.
I think $2 or $3 million dollars is quite a bargain, especially when you consider the catastrophic economic collapse that this country would suffer if I didn't have money to spend on booze and lap dances. And let's face it- the American taxpayers pretty much owe me this money for making their lives so much richer with this blog.

Sincerely yours,



Meredith said...

Dear Treasury Secretary Paulson and friends at the Federal Reserve,

Since I heard the Democrats in Congress today wishing to bail out the middle class in addition to the corporate world, please consider picking up my defaulted mortgage.

Sincerely Yours,


P.S. I've got some additional debt from my now defunct attempt to run for president that you certainly owe me for as well.

P.P.S Please get someone hotter than Amy Poehler to play me on SNL

Anonymous said...

You should start it out in the style of the Young Ones:

"Dear Fascist Bullyboys..."

And Steans! I am disappointed in you, tough guy. You are one of the most overeducated people on this planet (in Tennessee that means you can read above the 3rd grade level..., yet you continue to give handouts to men with puppets.
Stop this madness already.

You should never trust a man with a puppet.

Sincerely- Jim Henson's Ghost