Sunday, February 12, 2006

How come Minnesota gets all of the best gubernatorial candidates? Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is running for governor of Minnesota on a platform which includes both satanism and vampirism. Sharkey is completely unapologetic when explaining his involvement in both vampirism and Satanism and maintains that neither practice necessarily makes a person evil (although at other times on his web site, he does kind of admit that he is, in fact, pretty evil). Sharkey's past career has involved military service (he is an army veteran, and it sounds like he draws disability) and he's had some sort of a career as a professional wrestler under the "stage name" of Rocky Flash. Sharkey is strongly against drunk driving and drugs (for those keeping track at home, that's pro blood sucking, but anti booze and drugs), and he has promised to have all terrorists who are caught in Minnesota impaled upon stakes on the lawn in front of the state capitol. I guess it shouldn't really come as a surprise, but Sharkey also says that he was once friends with George W. and Jeb Bush.
I personally find Sharkey's openly evil viewpoint pretty refreshing. We all know that there are a ton of evil politicians out there, but how many actually admit it and include it as part of their platform? The only problem is that when you start to delve deeper into Sharkey's web site it kind of begins to seem that the guy not so much genuinely evil as he is kind of emotionally disturbed and deeply troubled (it sounds like his problems started with the death of a grandmother-which he never got over- and then escalated after some bad relationships, including a romance with a woman with severe alcohol and drug addiction issues). Ultimately, Steanso suspects that Sharkey is actually a kind of kooky but sensitive guy who became "evil" so that he could "out-evil" all of the bad things which kept upsetting him in his life.

But this minor human tradgedy doesn't mean we can't still have fun with Sharkey's campaign! So come one, come all and hop on board the Sharkey train to political greatness! Jesse Ventura be damned- Minnesota ain't seen nothing yet!


Anonymous said...

I am truly disgusted by the fact that you failed to mention Shark Attack Racing, the governor-to-be's NASCAR team.

J.S. said...

I don't want Kat to be truly disgusted. Everyone check out Candidate Sharkey's racing team. Here's your link:

The team is called Shark Attack Racing, and it's just aspect of the exciting and fun-filled world of Minnesota Gubernatorial Candidate Jonathon Sharkey (will you please ask Mr. Sharkey to lay off of the hexes and curses against me now, Kat?)